Beyond Flirtation

The pose: Arms crossed, head tilted back, shoulder casually leaning against the wall, one leg over the other in a relaxed position. The expression: Eyes sparkling, smile aglow, eyebrows raised. The conversation: Random discussion about school, extra-curricular activities, friends and family. The train of thought: Wow! This person is amazing! What can I do to get this person to like me?

We have all been there before. We have all been enjoying ourselves at a party or conducting a meeting, trying to stay focused in class or simply hanging out with friends and in walks an attractive person. Before we know it, we find ourselves abandoning logic and coherency, submitting ourselves to the dangers of flirtation.

Flirtation is any and all behavior intended to attract the attention of the opposite sex with intentions other than friendship. That definition will suffice for now and there is nothing inherently wrong with flirtation in this sense. Imagine if no one ever sought to attract the attention of the opposite sex beyond friendship. Humanity would cease to exist since all romantic relationships would never form. In this sense, flirtation is essential.

Regretfully we have lost this pure form of flirtation. Rather, in today’s world there is a lurking danger that all too often masquerades as flirtation. It is that type of behavior described at the beginning of this paper. The most perilous part being those thoughts that flail about our distracted mind: “What can I do to will make this person like me?”

hough this idea is seemingly innocent, nothing can be more to a fatal to any relationship. "The hearts of many are taken captive, and intertwined with one another in vain and foolish affection, having no root but frivolous intercourse…And although these foolish love-passages usually end in carnal pleasures and vile lusts, such is not the original intention of those who practice them, else they would no longer be flirtatious, but manifest impurities." St. Francis de Sales makes a very good observation here. Flirtation begins with innocent, almost noble intentions. None of us explicitly intend to put our relationships in mortal danger when we question what might make us attractive to someone of the opposite sex. Yet, more often than not, we allow our hearts and minds to be poisoned by the obsessive pursuit of making ourselves attractive to the opposite sex. We soon find our relationships rooted in the shallow, rocky soil of self-gratifying indulgence of the flesh.

This form of flirtation is not only wrong, but it violates natural law. At the heart of this violation is the degradation of our intrinsic worth as human beings. When we allow our thoughts to obsess over making ourselves attractive to the opposite sex, we strip ourselves of our priceless nature. We end up marketing ourselves as a desirable product, soliciting ourselves as an enticing, “must-have” good. We spend hours being consumed by our outward appearance, sprucing up our bodies into a marketable package.

Not only is this detrimental to the body (which soon becomes so stressed and fatigued with this constant strain that it begins to fail in its essential functions), but it completely ignores the spiritual aspect of our humanity. Pretty wrapping paper and a big, beautiful bow mean nothing on a present if all they decorate is a sludgy, stained gift.

In flirting, we must be more concerned about our souls as we are about our bodies. As much time as we spend in front of the mirror making ourselves outwardly attractive we must spend several times more in front of the Blessed Sacrament preparing our souls to be at point where we might even consider pursuing a deeper relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

This is not only desirable, but essential. God intended relationships between man and woman to be conducive to His love. Flirtatious behavior is naturally meant to be an exploration of mutual love with another person—not separate from God’s love but in complete union with God who is love. In its purest sense, flirting is a great gift used to discern a vocation to the grandeur of God’s love through shared love with another. When we reduce ourselves to creatures comprised solely of body and mind it becomes impossible to unite ourselves to God. It is in first seeking God with our entire being—mind, body, and soul—that we are able to come to a point where we can entrust ourselves with another’s soul.

That is essentially what romantic love is. The two become one and that one soul must find a way to heaven. In love, we take on the responsibility of ensuring that both parts of the one soul attain eternal life. So even the original definition this paper offers is wrong. Flirting is not simply about drawing the attention of the opposite sex with the intention of a relationship beyond friendship. It is about the discernment of a relationship with the potential of eternal and absolute unity of body and soul. Flirting must from the start seek and keep at its heart God who is love. With this solid foundation love can freely develop into a complete submission to God’s will, climaxing in the union of three—a man, a woman, and God.