Spiritual Direction

I find it amazing how in tune to our lives God is. He always knows what we need and sends it to us at just the right moment. While there are several examples of this in my life, one stands out above the rest. About sixteen months ago God sent me a spiritual director and a friend that has molded me into a better person. This man, Deacon Jim Pearce, put my life into perspective and, ultimately, brought me closer to God.

I met Deacon Jim when he was temporarily assigned to our parish while his wife finished her residency at a local hospital. It was the summer prior to my senior year of high school. I was at a point in my life when I was unsure about a lot of things, especially where my life was headed after high school. In this time of conflict and anxiety God sent me a much needed blessing. As we began to meet biweekly, Deacon Jim helped me come to the realization that the main cause of stress and fear in my life came from my inability to let God be God. I remember one meeting in particular that will always remain with me, especially in those times when I am afraid to consecrate myself completely to God.

This particular meeting happened to be over ice cream on a cold November day when I had recently returned home from visiting a college that I had been considering. I enthusiastically told him about my visit and how I knew that this college was where God was calling me to be. I then went into this long-winded speech about all the potential problems that lurked in the future were I to commit myself to attending this school. I complained about the distance it was from my family and friends; I fretted over the price of tuition and room and other fees; I demurred that the school was new and did not have a well established reputation, let alone that it was not yet accredited. As I listed off all my objections, he started to smile. The more I complained, the bigger his smile got. When I had finally finished he looked at me with that great big smile of his and said, “Since when do you think you get to play God, Neil?”

I had no idea what he was talking about. Never in my life had I presumed that I was God. I was definitely not assuming that I was God at that moment. The expression on my face must have told him that I was puzzled because he asked again, “Since when do you think you get to play God, Neil?” The question still boggled my mind. So, he went on to explain one of the most important lessons of my life. Deacon Jim reminded me that at the beginning of our conversation that day I had said something very essential to the point he was trying to make. More than this, though, I had believed what I had said: God was calling me to this school. It was His plan that I attend college there and nowhere else. I agreed with him and reaffirmed my belief in this.

“Then why are you trying to play God and figure out all the details?” I finally began to catch on to what Deacon Jim was getting at. With the help of my spiritual director, I came to the realization that my only worry in life should be conforming my will to the will of my Heavenly Father. Through prayer and careful consideration I had already discerned my vocation to go to this university. However, rather than surrender to God and let Him make it a reality I was intent on staying in control. In the process of retaining freedom in my life I became a slave to my worries and fear. Only in finally giving God control of the anxieties and daunting challenges that lay ahead did I gain the greatest freedom—full conformation to God’s will.

Had Deacon Jim not asked that question, I would never have made it here to JP Catholic. The days leading up to my departure for college would have overwhelmed me. In the end, my doubts and uncertainties would have left me hopeless and in despair. However, God placed Deacon Jim in my life. Because of him, I have had the courage to wake up every morning and surrender myself to the will of God. Because of him, I have gained the greatest freedom of all.